“With each misstep, I lost a piece of my soul trying to make it whole. Until that day I finally realized who would love me everyday, with imperfections and transgressions. It was God who showed me true love because he said he would never leave me nor forsake me.”
Perfection was what I was aiming for. I never knew until now why it mattered so much to me. I was chasing after “love” as if the perfection would somehow make-up for all of my faults and insecurities.
You see the issue with this self-serving need to be perfect was what kept me bound. It begin to breed causing hurt that seemed beyond repair. Insecure girl aiming to be perfect because I thought if I ever gained perfection, no one would ever leave me. I had to learn the hard way that friends and even family may disappoint you. It was just a part of life.
I wanted to be loved. So I searched, I searched for love as if it was something that could be caught. I let my hunger for perfection and love to take my virtue , my innocence. I let my need for it to grow so deep it became an addiction; seeking attention, until I received the attention I’d never be able to take back.
I thought I wanted it until that moment came. It was as if I was frozen in time. If only I could rewind, to when he asked if I wanted to hang out. I thought we would “hang out” , maybe even kiss. What a fool I was to have missed the signs. Again I was frozen in time. Deep down I knew he wanted something more. I felt the words were stuck in my throat, not one could I utter. I thought if I just close my eyes tight and hold my breath it would all be over.
I didn’t realize it would be a day I’d forever try to rewind when all I could do was see it in repeat. I thought I’d take my hurt and make it work in my favor. I tried to force myself to believe it was what I wanted, after all I put myself in the situation.
Searching for the missing piece, it was a never ending cycle I tried to break. Maybe I could find true love and it would all be fine. With each misstep, I lost a piece of my soul trying to make it whole. Until that day I finally realized who would love me everyday, with imperfections and transgressions. It was God who showed me true love because he said he would never leave me nor forsake me.
Although I grew up in church and I knew God and professed that I believed. God had never been as big a part of my life than he is now. His love for me is unexplainable, no greater love is attainable.